24audio : doink. doink. doink. doink. (sound of strange, supposedly modernistic clock ticking in background)
setting: the end of a narrow dirt road at the bottom of a ravine. A beat up ratty single-wide mobile home sits on blocks, sort of like "Rockford", but not in fancy beachfront Malibu, this is a low-life canyon hidden in the Hollywood Hills and just beyond the trailer, sits two overfilled dumpsters.
background action: a homeless man sifts through one of the dumpsters, tossing out aluminium cans into his grocery cart. The sound of an "I Love Lucy" rerun comes from the trailer. A 3 legged dog, belonging to the homeless man, pisses on the front steps of the trailer as an empty Schlitz beer can is thrown at the dog from within.
clock strikes highnoon
2 Black Hawk attack helicopters rise above the treeline behind the trailer - mounted machine guns on the skids swivel, radio chatter, unintelligible is heard above the whopwhopwhop of the rotors.
camera pans to dirt road where 6 black Humvees, a trail of dust behind them, roar over the top of the hill and descend dangerously fast towards the deadend trailer. In the lead is a metallic blue Mercedes 450SL with an overweight guy in a cheap suit at the wheel. His mirrored sunglasses don't cover his angry frown as his diamond bedecked white knuckles hold the steering wheel and the car skids to a stop in front of the trailer. The dog yelps and runs to the dumpster. The homeless man hits the dog and points back at the trailer and the dog slinks back to the front door, picks up the Schlitz can, and returns it to the homeless mans grocery cart.
The fat guy rolls out the door of the car and is barely on his feet when black clad swat members from the Humvees join him, forming a semi-circle in front of the single-wide.
A speaker from one of the Black Hawks booms : Keifer! Keifer Sutherland! We know you are in the trailer! Come out with your hands up and no one will get hurt!
Guns clack as the swat members draw down on the front door with semi-automatic weapons.
No response from inside. The ranking SWAT man asks the fat guy "Are you sure Jack, uh, Keifer, is in there?"
The fat guy, a FOX producer, pulls out an envelope with a return address of the Screen Actors Guild and pulls out a letter. Highlighted is an address and Sutherland's name. "Yes I'm sure!" the network boob snaps. "Here's a copy of his SAG unemployment check, he's been getting them at this address for the last 7 months"
The Black Hawk booms " Keifer! Come out peacefully and no one, will be hurt, not you, not the dog, not the advertisers for "24 - 5". "
SHOTS RING OUT ! ! !
The fat guy scrambles to hide behind the fender of his Mercedes while the swat guys unload clips of ammo into the side of the trailer.
"Cease Fire" booms the Black Hawk and all falls silent.
"Jack! Uh, Keifer! We mean business! You leave us no choice"
The machine guns open fire on the dumpster scattering garbage everywhere. The bullets trail to the shopping cart and cans and bottles explode all over the roadway. Finally an air to ground missle is fired and the homeless guy blows up!
"The dog is next!" booms the chopper.
Inside the trailer, Keifer Sutherland takes a long last swig on his beer, "I've GOT to do this" he says as he gets up and walks to the door.
Swat members swarm the front door and grab him, pulling him violently out of the trailer when Kim steps out of the nearby outhouse that no one had seen, holding a LAWS rocket on her shoulder "Put my daddy, uh Jack, uh Keifer down" she orders.
The 3 legged dog runs over and bites her on the ankle.
Another missle is fired from the helicopter and both girl and doggie get blasted to smithereens while Jack, uh, Keifer, screams "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
cut away.
audio : doinkdoinkdoinkdoink
setting : a jail cell at CTU
background action : Keifer is rattling a cup against the bars, sxreaming "You can't hold me here! You can't force me to act in another episode! I want my SAG union rep!"
clock strikes One, long pause, then one again. The doinks turn to tick-tocks, and are followed by "cuckoo!cuckoo!" as Dennis Haysbert steps into the cell. "Shut up, Keifer! You'll do what I say. I OWN this franchise! I don't see YOU doing any t.v. commercials in the off season! Voice overs for Apple computers! You left coast liberal commie! You should be glad I bothered to bring you back at all - but there's no one else in this industry that anyone could possible believe, other than Dudley Dooright, who could possibly continue to get up to his ass in trouble, dead bodies, and incompetent co-workers"
Elisha Cuthbert, covered in dirt and dog hair, followed by the 3 legged dog, also enters the cell.
"Dad. Uh, Jack. Uh, Keifer. Come on! It will be fun!"
The homeless man, Donald Sutherland walks in, picking garbage out of his singed hair,"Everybody's counting on you Jack, uh Keifer, uh, son."
"Woof" says the dog.
Keifer, uh, Jack, pulls out a gun and shoots the dog for real.
*sigh* "I guess you can count me in".
doinkdoinkdoinkdoink (here we go again).
